“People underestimate the impact these bands can have on people and nobody will ever really see the true effects unless someone speaks out, right? I just want people to know that these girls aren’t just “talentless, plastic dolls” and it’s wrong to think of someone so worthless. I’ll throw my own reputation on the line if it means to make others see the good in them that they’re ignoring.”—
I installed Stayfocused on google chrome, so I thought today’d be productive.
woke up at 5am. Sat on my chair and thought about SNSD
6am: realized I have to study for gov so I studied for an hour then left for school
1st period Japanese - uneventful
3rd period Gov - Test. Midway through I started daydreaming about SNS-
5th period physics - 30 minute lab, then sat at my desk for an hour thinking about SN…while staring at the guy who sits in front of me. I still don’t know his name -.- I noticed his hair is uneven.
Came home and sat on my chair. Friend calls to hang out at Fantasia. She bought pmt, the we went to sheng kee bakery to buy my lunch. Spent 10 minutes deciding whether I wanted the Purple Romance, or pineapple taro bun. Ended up eating a green tea bun. It was pretty yummy.
Came home. Vacuumed my rabbit’s room. Came in my room. Sat. Started thinking about S-
I have 10 minutes left before stayfocus blocks tumblr. omg..this is not happening TT
It’s 5:30 and I have nothing done. after tumblr is blocked…I’m going to think about -
I wish I was brave enough to kill myself because I do not want to be here anymore.
8\ Want to hear my suicide story?
I used to want to kill myself too in middle school [how SHOCKING] Σ(゜д゜;). Not too seriously, but the thought flew by my mind more often than I feel comfortable with. I’m sure everyone has thought to themselves, “how would people react if i kill myself right now?”….right?There was 1 important reason why I change my mind. *I’d like to point out that I did not attempt to suicide, I was just heavily bombarded with suicidal thoughts.
I’ve been debating whether to tell anyone about my middle school mystery other than Miss BUTfilled Ginger (COOL ALIAS HUH har har), because this issue is long gone, but I suddenly have the urge to share a short story.. I tend to drag, so bear with me. If you are a cool and caring person, read my story yo. \(>o<)~
In the beginning of 7th grade, I transferred schools while carrying a bit of bitterness/heartbreak. I was extremely attached to my friends back at Lawson. We went through a lot of elementary drama together so leaving my life long buddies and entering a new school took a big blow on my sensitive little soul TT. When I entered my new school, I only knew two people. For the first couple days of school, I blindly searched for them across campus, hoping to find someone to hang out with. When I finally spotted old friend #1, I ran up enthusiastically greeted her, but she gave me a lifeless hi and fake smile then went back to snickering with her friends…ignored.. insert ~cold wind blowing sfx~ ;_; (I still struggle to contain my anger toward that particular person. Grr)
HAH! No worries, I still have friend #2, and she’s a much nicer person >:D
I found her about a week later and hooray, she actually talked to me and invited me to hang out with her. As happy as I was that I finally ended my temporary loner status, hanging out with her and her friends wasn’t exactly fun. Being the natural introvert that I am, I didn’t really talk I was dead silent. I dunno why, but I was too shy to join in their conversations, so i just sat there eating my lunch. After another week, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I hated being the creeper who just sat with the group, so I left. but LOL where to go? I didn’t make any friends in class and I didn’t want to stand outside and eat my lunch alone where everyone could see my lonerness so i hid. heh…i hid in the bathroom stalls.
At first it was I thought it’d be temporary. I thought to myself “MKAY I’ll talk more in class, make some friends and hang out with them so I don’t have to be forever alone. >:)” But I didn’t make many friends, just a few classroom buddies. So yeah that’s pretty much how messed my social life became in middle school. For two years, i hid in the bathroom everyday during brunch and lunch. For two years, my closest companions were the kids pissing in the stalls next to me. I stopped eating lunch too cause…ew I don’t want to eat in the bathroom stall.
Funny thing is, one of my classroom buddies found out I didn’t have anyone to hang out with and invited me, but a sudden memory of my previous attempt to find a group to hang with flashed before my eyes, so I refused. Oh god, how stupid was I? From that point on, that friend kept asking me why I chose to be a loner, but I wouldn’t tell her. You see, the longer I continued my lonership, the harder it was to get out of it. My secret spot was safe. Safe from the discovery from the public eye. Safe from people judging me. I wanted to say yes and hang out with her but…idk I couldn’t
Does my reason for staying a loner make sense? Now that I look back, even I don’t understand why I was so scared. This whole thing was really stupid.
I started becoming very depressed over my nonexistent social life. I felt invisible to everyone at school and grew very angry at myself for screwing up. I hated school. I hated how cowardly I was. I hated how I couldn’t go to Yosemite because I had no one to bunk with. I hated Great America. I hated it all. NO ME GUSTA >:((I hope I explained my dilemma well enough because it seriously felt like life was feeding me a big bowl of shit. Every day.
It came to the point where..here it comes O_O”… I wanted to commit suicide. I wasn’t entirely up for it because like the title says, I was too scared. But the thought of ending this stressful life didn’t seem too bad at the time.
benefits of suicide:
It’s green! (one less living being means less co2 emitted!)
saves my parents money and effort..
Eh, can’t think of anything else. I don’t know what I was thinking.
The thought started to come up more often day by day, at lunch in the bathroom, Spanish class, eating dinner. I went to sleep one night and prayed to God that I would not wake up the next morning. (don’t ever do this btw..) Good thing God doesn’t answer all prayers huh? Immediately, I took back what I prayed for, but I’ll never forget how uneasy I felt when I told God to end my existence.
This was one bad request out of the many times I prayed to God for some friends. Every day, I prayed for my life to turn around and I would at least have one good friend, but throughout the entirety of middle school, I remained blind, foolish, and alone. No matter how depressed I was though, I think what pulled me through was my faith. Faith that someday, God would answer my prayers
And he did. He gave me my vision back.
I had pretty much been a blind idiot to not have noticed that I do indeed have a friend! And a pretty dang good one I must say :D Remember my classroom buddy? Yep, she wouldn’t let go. No matter how many times I said no, she wouldn’t stop asking me to hang out. It started to get annoying. In 8th grade, I remember I used to try to avoid her. She was in my 6th period math class and LOL after 6th period, I would speed walk out the door to avoid contact. BUT Nooo, she had to scurry her little feet and walk with me to talk. She even popped up at my church. The one place where I least expected her to be. POP she was there, and omg, scared the shits outa my tits. Eventually I stopped trying to avoid her, all for the better though. She kinda got me out of my depressed state. Her herps and derps cheered me up and I began to open up. *Turning Point* in my life: On the first day of school my freshman year, she saw me and literally dragged me to hang out with her. Ever since that day, she found me and dragged me along to wherever she went so that I wouldn’t have to be alone and today, we’re best buddies (I think..). Long story short, God eventually gave back my years of loneliness with an irreplaceable friend. In dark times, it’s easy to only notice the negative points in your life, but there are always people who support you. I failed to realize how lucky I was to have someone who cared about me that much and I regret not being a much of a good friend back.
Anyways, I guess what I wanted to say was life can seem hopeless at times, but never lose sight of those who love you. In time they will save you from the deepest shit you can possibly get into.